it's become an epidemic

While I was in hospital I was making beanies for patients (remember it's Autumn over here in Australia). I was charging for each one and that kept me in yarn and drink machine money (lol, it's true). Anyway, I still have 2 definites and one unconfirmed of the Urban Shells beanie below and had already done 4 while I was in hospital.plus just a plain lime green one for a gorgeous chicka with an awesome Mohawk. Yes I did wonder how she kept the beanie on myself.

I have one and a half to do by Tuesday, when I see my doc, because then I am going over to the hospital across the carpark and visit my friend to give her her two beanies and then to teach my friend who is on the eating disorders program (I'm so happy, I don't get triggered and she is trying her arse off to get better) how to do some crocheting. She was given some very bad advice and a very bad combinations of things that go together (don't).

I am now going to Stepping Stone twice a week, it's okay but it does make me want to run because my doc wants me to go. In other news I learnt a new hat yesterday, I love, love, love it. My first attempt is way too tight. What happened was I learning the pattern and my hook was awful, I hadn't used it before but it was plastic and so Gabby (in my crochet lesson and she owns the shop) found an awesome aluminium one but there was an 8mm or a 10mm one, we decided to go down a size rather than have it too big. I am going to have to go back today and get the 10mm one. I'll still finish my hat because it looks good but it will look less loose and slouchy than it should.

Anyways, sorry if I am boring you. I love my crochet as you all know. I want to say thanks to all of you who supported me while I was really unwell and also to those who just read along and to those who commented for the first time. It was much appreciated.

*hugs*
Sarah

Better

I feel better today. I feel better than I have in a long long time and thanks for the comments regarding the break up/get back together with Andy, it really did help. We had the best time with Moo last night. She was so funny, pouncing things and playing with Andy and that made me feel even more better.

I think I told you about Lucy, my new psychologist/old DBT therapist. So she knows me very very well after 7 1/2 hours a week for six months. She is tiny, literally, but she is like a dog with a bone when you are holding back and she can be really scary for someone so small. Anyway, my point was that he gave me homework.

1. Exercise, start really small since I hate it (we are going to kick the soccer ball around for 15 minutes)
    - yet unarchived
2. Decrease credit card limit
    - tried to but they wouldn't let me, so I put a block on the account
3. Contact Carmen and Jo and have coffee with them. This is because I don't get out enough but also because, I avoid them because I think I am fat and they will judge me (DBT skill - avoid avoiding)
   - I am having coffee with Carmen on Friday
4. Pros and cons of avoidance, avoiding the old University I used to work at and not saying no. This is a weird pros and cons because you do the pros and cons of of continuing the current behaviour and then you do the pros and cons changing the behaviour, in other words facing up to difficult thoughts and feelings.
   - completed, when you think about it, the answers are obvious really
5. Visit Lucy's website with mindfulness practice on it
   - done
6. Practice mindfulness on Friday
   - So I failed to do it on Friday but I did do it on Sunday and I did the whole section of the CD I was meant to listen to. This CD has a bell after 10 minutes so you can stop if you want to but I stayed for the whole 20 minutes, yay me.

I see Lucy again next Wednesday, so no this week but next. I am looking forward to it actually. I like that she just gets right in there and off we go right on the first session but I think that is because we don't have to go through the getting to know you part.

My coffee mug tells me that "Today is going to be a great day!"  I hope it is. I am feeling positive about it. I have Sue coming today and other than that is crochet, just for something completely different ;-)

*hugs*
Sarah

Give me a break

Yesterday I announced to you all that Andy and I had broken up. After our no usual goodbye, I started to cry as I walked away, thinking that my life was going to be shit without him. That I would have to just get skinny and cut. Great attitude. Anyways, I was on the train and I texted him and asked how he was holding up. He rang me and said we can't do this, we keep doing this and he would rather be destitute and happy, than sad and with a hi flying job and lots of money. I was so totally relieved and I said right there and then, we are not doing this ever again. It hurts too much. He agreed :-/

*hugs*
Sarah

Oh how things can change

I know I said I was closing this blog down in two weeks time, well I think I will need it for a bit yet. Andy and I broke up for good last night and we still feel the same this morning. He told me that he had been talking to an ex when he broke up with me last time and when he called her back she asked him how he felt and he said 'free'. What can I say really? Not much. I don't know how to feel because I have never had five year relationship fall apart on me before. It's going to be really tight money wise but I guess I'll have to jump that hurdle when it comes to it. It just hurts.

*hugs*
Sarah

changes

I never really thought I'd feel this way but I am closing down This Lunatic Express. I have been going for nearly three years. This blog has saved me over and over again many times. It has been a place to get stuff out that no one in my real life knows about, except certain things that are safe topics. I have become less and less wanting to blog and that tells me that my real life has taken off and although I will miss you all very much, I think it's time for me to move on though, in a happy way. I know I've been unwell for a while and been in hospital but even then, I had no desire to blog. So there you have it. I am going to say goodbye! I will leave this open for two weeks and then it's goodbye to you all. I wish you all well!

*hugs*
Sarah

Home

It's so nice to be home after a seven week admission to hospital. I was going stir crazy by the time Friday hit and then on Saturday tried to get discharged but it was all just too complicated with discharge meds. In the end I decided to injure the whole weekend there and made it home feeling really good.

You wouldn't know this but last week I a real wake up call. I was sitting on my bed backwards and went to move back a bit but instead fell backwards and landed on my head on the floor. I remember in that moment, thinking NO I don't want to die, I was to be around for a long long time. It was a moment, just one moment that lasted 2 seconds but felt like a lifetime. I was medically okay but my hearing went all funny for about 12 hours. It sounded liked I was talking into a microphone.

I also saw Lucy for my first psychology appointment with her and wow, she is awesome. Will tell more later but I have to get ready to go out, maybe later. Today is going to be a great day :)

*hugs*
Sarah

discharge wednesday YAY

I am so excited that I will be home after two months in hospital. I can't believe it's been that long. It does feel like forever but I am home on leave today and it feels so good. I will have my own bed back and all my things. I am making beanies for some patients and they are paying me... woohoo, extra money. I love extra money. I know I have neglected this blog over the period I have been in hospital but seriously I was in the worst head space. To the point where one night last week I saw a girl at the end of my bed just staring at me and she had a white and patterned beanie on and she ran out the room. The nurses said because I was so paranoid that it was a hallucination and this scared the crap out of me because there WAS a girl there. I just can't find her in the hospital. I know this sounds all crazy but I guess my nurse was right. I have been doing much much better over the last few days and I have some awesome news. Since I got discharged from DBT for being in hospital too long, I have missed my therapist Lucy like crazy. I found out yesterday for sure that I can see her privately in her rooms a few suburbs away from the hospital. I am so excited and feel good about that. Anyways, hope you have all been going along okay and I have been thinking of you guys. I felt so bad that I hadn't kept up with blogs but I just couldn't read. Next week let's hope things change :)

*Hugs*
Sarah

I am still going

Wow, it's been a while (again). I am still in hospital and there have been some not so nice things happening. My old roommate Jessica for example, she was/is such a bitch and she constantly invaded my personal space. She started to really get to me and in the end I went to the manager who talked to me in length (I had been bawling my eyes out all morning) and then spoke to her and it was decided that we were not to talk to each other and leave each other alone and that was meant to be that.

As soon as I went into the bedroom she started so I told her to leave me alone, but she wouldn't stop so I frantically went through all my stuff and unfortunately found a craft knife that no I had forgotten was there and I went into the bathroom and self harmed, I rang for the nurse and while the door of the bathroom was open, she could see the blood and she was still going. The nurse had gone to get a registered nurse because she was only a student and I just screamed at her at the top of my lungs "Leave me alone, go away, fuck off".

One of the nurses set off the duress alarm and there were nurses everywhere and the manager came in, I was bawling and yelling that she wouldn't leave me alone. She has upset that many people here, another girl hid in her room for two days because of Jessica and this is how she found out that Jessica had had to sign a contract to say she wouldn't talk nasty things to others and leave people alone when they want it. It was then decided that I would be moved and that has worked out well. I have problems with dissociation now but hey, I have always had that. Going inside is so much easier than facing some of these things right now.

 In other news I have become a bit addicted to graphic novels. I am slowly reading Watchmen right now and wow, who would have thought a graphic novel could be so dense and deep. I also have The Sandman and I have another Neil Gaiman Coraline. I haven't seen the movie, though always wanted to and the graphic novel looks good. Neil has such awesome illustrations.

So I have been writing this for just under and hour (yes I am slow) but I had to change things a lot and I am writing by the light of the screen. Pray I go home this week.

Also thanks for all your lovely comments =)

*hugs*
Sarah

now

So I have now been in hospital for a week. I think that my doc has been waiting for me to come to terms with the fact that I am going to have a different life than having DBT each week and set times and days for things. I think I am ready for that! I don't have a lot to say today but I know I want to be happy and well and I know what I need to do now. Just thought I'd check in and let you all know how I am feeling and that yes, I am still around :)

*hugs*
Sarah

now what?

On Tuesday I went to DBT but on the way I found out I was being re-admitted to hospital because of my quite unsettled mood. I knew if I came in to hospital that I would be discharged from DBT because of attendance. I had mixed feelings going in to the group but finally explained that I would be leaving because of hospital and that I had no attendance spots left. We could only miss six sessions within sixteen following sessions. I was quite upset and teary and sad but I knew I couldn't do anything about it. I am a little angry at Nellie because I feel she was my downfall. She and I knew each other briefly five years ago and since she came into my group, she ignored me, downright was rude in that ignoring a direct question to her, wouldn't even look at me and the list goes on. She is young and I have 14 years on her but I am still angry that all this idiot behaviour ended my time in DBT because I couldn't, session after session, have the ability to talk up about it.

I have thought though about my options and I have decided to go against putting my name back on the waiting list. I gave it two good tries and I couldn't do it. My mood has been so unstable lately and my doc is increasing both lamictal and abilify. We'll see what happens. I am all over the place emotionally, crying easily, but I hope that settles soon. I think I'll probably just work with Emma, Dr D and Sue for now and add in other things like Stepping Stone gradually. I'm the most unwell I've been for a while and I am hoping that changes soon. Hope you are all well!

*hugs*
Sarah